http://ablogger.blog.co.uk/

20/10

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:34:03 +0200

Brain clouds ahoy.

Dad shouts at boy. Boy storms off. Boy asks to stay at aunt's. Aunt phones mum. Dad phones boy. Boy doesn't want to live with dad. Or mum. Dad weeps. Boy weeps.

Dad phones mum. Mum weeps. Mum can't get hold of boy on phone.

Mum tears a strip off herself. Mum's friend reassures. Stroppiness. Embarrassment. Teenageness. Yes.

But still ...

Dad and boy will come to speak to mum.

Mum's stomach churns.

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01/05

Fri, 01 May 2009 23:50:48 +0200

Feel sad.

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29/04

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:41:51 +0200

Why It's A Nightmare That I Wish Would Go Away

If S didn't go into care she could have been badly hurt, or worse.

If S didn't go into care F might have stayed with her mum and not been horrifically abused and most likely scarred for life.

Selfishly, all I can think of now that it's over is ... why me?

Consta-guilt.

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29/03

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 18:52:05 +0200

Not the most pleasant of experiences, and I've had to deal with two of them recently. I did well, even if I say so myself. Explained what happened to a RL friend and she immediately understood. I did good

Stronger than I seem? Or protected

I expect more. It happens.

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22/02

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 15:11:56 +0100

You, who love life.
It's never been fair.
Why is your time cut short?
While I'm still here.

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21/02

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 18:13:34 +0100

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11/02

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 13:51:12 +0100

My heart's not in it now.

*draws smiley face on*

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06/01

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:25:44 +0100

There's no fool like an old fool.

That's me, that is.

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24/12

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 15:40:56 +0100

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17/11

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 00:26:45 +0100

Struggling

Yes, again

No, it's nothing I've read today. Shush! Yer worse than me.

It's a feeling I've had for a while. This place really isn't any good for me.

I feel so hated. It's no doubt the life trouble there's been today that's colouring it, exaggerating how I look at it.

*suffocating*

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23/10

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 21:21:42 +0200

Still struggling, treading water or whatever. Dunno why I'm here any more. Habit?

Out of sorts. Not myself. Other such bollocks. The crying appears now and then, becomes almost like a pastime in itself.

People talk to me and I think - why? Is this habit? Does it make you feel better? Conversing feels wrong. Like a lie. Emptiness. Is this what it feels like to be stripped of character? Nothingness. I don't know who I am.

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honey honey

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:29:15 +0200

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21/10

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:22:03 +0200

So far his Dad's bike hasn't been nicked - woohoo! I think it finally hit home that he has to lock it. Preferably to mine. He just got back (half day at school) ... his trousers ripped as Dad's bike doesn't have a chain guard *eep* ... mo' money.

Today isn't too bad. Still don't want to participate too much in this thing called life though.

This seems to be working better.

Morning brought blue skies, sun and a phonecall from the gorgeous one. Made me laugh loads. I don't deserve him

I really should go to the lawyers today. It took the DSS seven days to send me a letter that she needs. It's taking me nearly as long to deliver it to her.

The house looks like a tip. Sunshine shows the dirt. There may be a parable in that last sentence. It was a happy accident. I feel dirty. Not in a good way.

Run awaaaaaay! Far, far away.

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evening

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:52:03 +0200

I quite like it in here. There are some things I miss but being anonymous is cool. No-one talking because they feel they must, no-one reading because it's just there, not having to watch what I say in case it seems to be influencing in some way (FFS as if!)

It's good to shed the skin sometimes. Aw feck ... does that make me snake-like? *panic*

Oh good, something new to worry about, that'll take my mind off everything else

I'm glad that no-one else felt hurt. It doesn't matter if it's me cos I can cope with it eventually.

My head is well and truly fucked. I doubt any would understand how much I detest myself and it doesn't matter either in the bigger picture.

One thing I'd change right now if I could ... I'd go back to Sunday and not buy baked beans. My son's arse is rotten.

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20/10

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:03:42 +0200

Feel a bit iffy. Throat infection, headachey thing. My child is off with a tummy bug. House of ill.

Apart from this, life is ok. Miss my man but that goes without saying really.

Ex decided to look in jewellers while he had the boy with him. He dropped one of the boy's tee shirts back. I asked him if he was checking out engagement rings. He is.

*digesting*

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agape and mania together

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:43:35 +0200

So hard to explain, my words trip and stumble.

How to tell what you are to me, my sweet man.

Your nature, jigsaw parts, shows a picture so stunning that my mouth fails to form description deserving of you.

Many have their beautiful ways, they touch the soul; sometimes stinging, but you ...

Have it all.

Take my all.

Miles are nothing, for you are you.

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19/10

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 11:31:51 +0200

How sad

when an olive branch

becomes a stalk

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17/10

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 21:06:40 +0200

I wish

I could stop crying

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05/09

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:35:16 +0200

I haven't been to church for a fair while. Since December actually.

It seemed like I couldn't fit in there. Oh I had a few friends etc but I always felt like if they knew my whole self they would disown me :))

Well ... I've tried the 'outside' bit and right at this moment I know that I need church. The way folk treat each other outside of church is frickin awful. And the things they justify is appalling.

Don't get me wrong - I'm just as bad.

My way of handling things = "Oh FFS you nasty piece of work" *arguing*

I should turn to God and ask for his help. Pray that he will calm my heart, calm my anger. I've always known it goes better his way.

Chill out. I can usually see both sides of the argument and feel for both but I'm starting to lose that.

Recently my anger over some situations is over-running. If I don't turn to God it will overspill in a big way and cause problems.

At least in a church setting you can spiritually release people from the bonds they've wrapped themselves and others in. And they accept that that is what it is.

I so want to close comments as I'm sick of being attacked. I've never evangelised but folk who accuse me of it have. *sigh*

We're all learning, eh?

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01/08/08

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:25:28 +0200

They expect that I will feel she took him away and that's where it comes from.

But that isn't it at all. I never learnt to tell them this. He got bored with making the effort for us, her life was easier. That's where it began. That's where the threat is. It's so much easier and interesting. That freedom of no responsibility. They still have that.

It's a man's life. Everything fits round so snugly. And if it doesn't, a woman must adapt.

The way it has always been and will be.

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23/07/08

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:23:30 +0200

It doesn't matter. Well of course it does but what I mean is, I'm leaving it over there ........................................... .

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21/07/08

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:42:19 +0200

Dismissed as an illusion.

My imagination is too fervent.

I've been here before.

Distance will *ping* right before my eyes.

Fields of nothing, beyond stout walls.

Waves.

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20/07/08

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:08:42 +0200

A small thing. Almost nothing. A throw-away.

*clears throat*

I've been married for almost 14 years. In those 14 years I've been with my husband for 11. Therefore separated for 3. In the past 3 years I've had one boyfriend. ONE.

Two blokes in fourteen years. It's hardly Madam Whatsername.

Yes, I'm still married. No, I shouldn't be with someone till that's officially over on paperwork. Do I care? Not particularly.

Recently I have realised that a very few select people think I'm slutty. It's hard to know why. But folk are brought up in different circumstances.

My mum was a christian, but she actually had a couple of flings with married guys. She was divorced, they were not quite divorced but getting there.

I was pursued, out of view by others, for months. It was nice. It confused me, being so out of view, but I accepted that to a degree.

It saddens me to see people's assumptions of that and their cattiness towards me. It's their problem, I know. But I have to deal with how it affects me. I have to deal with re-adjusting to this. Feeling more vulnerable around them, etc.

Re-adjusting how I feel about friends I no longer see too. Clicky groups and judgements. It's the way it is. It is what it is.

Feels so fucking good to get that off my chest.

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ironically

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 15:41:25 +0200

Still feeling the chill.

Dont know what I have done. Dont ask though. Cant ask.

He said, she said?

Why should I care?

'Cause I do

It's not you.

In case you wondered.

And it's not a romance type thing.

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unkempt

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 11:57:34 +0200

I daren't sweep. Doom tries to usurp light when I sweep just a little. Forces OCD of the spirit. Scrubbing, scrubbing till the head throbs. The phone unanswered. The door closed.

Doom covers all. Doom suffocates those islands of hope, tiny leaves breaking through stone.

Must I step away from that which filters you? Call on you now?

I'm wrong and have hurt myself so much. Overload.

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chill

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:19:10 +0200

For a few weeks I've been feeling that familiar disliked feeling. I wish I knew if it was intuition or paranoia. This has happened an inordinate amount of times before. This time it crept up on me quite silently. I was barely able to form it into a conscious thought till now. Just a general dis-ease.

Outside influences like lack of work, things not working out the way I'd like, the inability to feel enthusiasm to connect with people, etc.

I'm so hoping it'll pass. Don't wanna be that person.

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Run: defrag

Thu, 29 May 2008 19:45:34 +0200

So I'm stuck in boxes again.

Hiding one part from some, another part from some. I can be all blah here. Well-behaved there. Both parts are me, both parts are valid. Neither places accept. Why is that?

It's not illegal to be Christian. It's not illegal to be a stroppy cow who gets ~~moody~~ more moody once a month and battles depression e-bloody-ternally

Phuckin masks. Toughen up maybe?

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owwww mai gyod

Thu, 15 May 2008 14:39:45 +0200

I has a boundary, y'know

Wordiness circling me; threatening to pounce. I had to lasso them and stick 'em in a corral ... couldn't make it bold though

Passive/aggressive, manipulative

aggressive, bullying, boundaries

submissive, cowardly, approval

Cunt off, words

~~analysis~~

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toady today

Tue, 13 May 2008 21:59:24 +0200

~~Toady~~ Today was light, bright and happy. Had a fucker of a weekend with too many brain rumbles. Useful though, in a sense. Today was easy. Life isn't supposed to be hard.

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Good idea

Tue, 13 May 2008 18:32:27 +0200

best place to be at times, man that looks comfy

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